While this is one of the happiest and most exciting times of my life, I do still find it hard to answer my phone, be productive, and get out of bed some mornings. Depression is weird like that. I’ve suffered from depression for as long as I can remember, and even though my life is headed in a wonderful direction, I still struggle daily.
You would think with a baby on the way, and so much to look forward to that the depression would fade. That I would suddenly find a magical purpose, and all the scattered pieces of life would just fall together, but it doesn’t. Part of me feels so ashamed for still battling depression even though I now have another life source to support, love, and care for in every way. But something I’ve had to realize is that it is normal, and I am definitely not alone.
One of my biggest fears for a long time has been postpartum depression. Since I suffer on a daily basis without a child, what would adding that to my life do to me? That’s a scary thought. I’m not afraid of facing it because I know I’m capable, I’m just afraid of it causing me to lose my strength and all the progress I’ve made. I’m afraid it’ll turn me into a terrible mother, and that is a heart-wrenching thought. If I ever get to be anything in my life, anything at all, I would be the best mother possible.
I try to blame my feelings on the stress in my life. My financial struggle, my struggle with my mental health, and my desire to find myself and my purpose in this life but it really is so much more.
To be honest, while I’m loving being pregnant, and I’m so beyond happy and excited to become a mother and change my life in the best way possible, pregnancy does have its downside, and it’s more than just morning sickness. Pregnancy is… Lonely! I know it may not be for everyone, but I do know there are plenty of women who feel the same way and may be ashamed to admit it. Does it sound selfish? Yeah, it does. Is it? No. It’s a very real feeling, and it’s common.
All of a sudden you’re too exhausted and too busy to have a life and I’ve felt a lot of resentment towards others, even my boyfriend because their lives go on as usual. All of a sudden, when I don’t have someone around me or calling to check in, I feel hurt, and suddenly I’m the only person around, and the fear of doing all of this alone sinks in.
It’s easy to get angry at your SO for being so happy and going out with his friends when you’re crying from the hormones, your feet are so swollen that they’re purple and your shoes don’t fit, you’ve got an ice pack on your aching back every night, and you can’t even get through brushing your teeth without nearly vomiting every morning. And all of a sudden, nobody around you can relate, and you feel like a total baby for complaining about the sickness, the exhaustion, the sadness, and the aches and pains. It feels like no one wants to listen, and that is a hard thing to face on your own.
I have a couple friends who have small kids, but I don’t remember listening to them say similar things, so I keep my mouth shut, and some of the other people I should be able to go to, I can’t because the support has lacked from the beginning.
With all of that being said, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else in my life right now. The joy that I feel when I think about holding my baby in my arms when that day comes brings happy tears to my eyes. Through every bad day, every ache, every hormonal outburst, and every lonely, dark moment, I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and in that light will be the love of my life. I wasn’t afraid to share this post, because I know that SO many women can relate to it. This is a common feeling, and I am not alone. If you feel the same way that I do, I promise you, that doesn’t make a bad mother. It doesn’t make you less. It makes you a normal human being, and I promise you, when it’s all said and done, it will be so worth it.
Please don’t let society make you feel like less of a mother because of your depression. Push through it and know that you’re doing the best you can.