Weight has been an issue for me my entire life. Literally, since I was young, and I don’t have a (known) disease or condition to blame it for. I was just raised in an unhealthy household where unhealthy habits were the norm.
I don’t believe that my mental health is strictly due to the toxic events or people I’ve had in my life. I do think that my lack of fitness and my eating habits have a lot to do with my mental health.
It’s all such a vicious cycle; I’m too depressed and anxious to put effort into making healthy choices and working out. But, the lack of healthy choices and working out makes me more anxious and depressed.
I can see how these habits affect my life on a daily basis. So, when I say this, I wanna remove the mental health fact and just focus on the physical aspects. I always feel tired, I’m continually getting headaches, and I feel so sluggish and unfocused.
Overall, I just feel terrible.
I think about weight loss constantly. Like, all the time, but I haven’t found myself in a “good enough” mental place to focus on something as overwhelming as weight loss. Changing those habits is tough, and that’s undeniable, but I know that the chain has to break somewhere and at some point.
I don’t feel like I can keep waiting until I’m in a better place. I know that I have to suck it up and put myself through that tough, frustrating phase, but I’ve done it before, and I can do it again! The last time I started dropping weight, I felt amazing! I was nowhere near my goal, but I could feel myself getting healthier, happier, and more comfortable. It actually became fun, and I miss that!
You’re probably wondering why that weight loss journey stopped and the excuse is just sad. I went on my Habitat for Humanity trip to Honduras, and when I came back, I just didn’t get back into it. And in the last year and a half, I’ve just gained and gained. I’m still about 17 pounds smaller than my recorded heaviest, but also about 70-100 pounds heavier than I’d like to be.
I don’t have a definitive number because I’ve never been small. I could be the type that could look and feel my best at 110 pounds, or I could end up looking and feeling my best at 140. Everyone is so different, so I’m just not sure where I’ll feel my best! That’s something I’ll just have to figure out later on down the road.
Now, usually I most my recap on Fridays, but I won’t be posting one tomorrow. My recaps have been short because I hate sharing the crappy food that I eat! That’s not a pleasant thing to do, so I avoid the hell out of it, but I don’t wanna do that anymore.
I know that some people have enough dedication within themselves to do these things more easily in private. It’s just what some prefer. But, when I lost some of my weight last time, I shared it on my old blog, and it motivated me so much! It pushed me, it helped me focus, and it truly helped me to enjoy the process! These things became habits at that time, and my world really felt lighter and brighter.
With all that being said, that what I want to do again. I know this time is going to be a lot harder because I have more obstacles standing in my way. My anxiety and depression have been the worst they’ve ever been over the last year and a half, I’ve felt so out of place during this time in my life, and I’m living in an environment that triggers my anxiety and makes me really uncomfortable, and that’s tough.
That’s just another reason that I’m trying to get myself really back on track, so I have the energy and motivation to work harder in order to get myself into an environment that makes me feel calm and happy. Right now, that is literally my number one dream and goal. I desperately want to have my very own environment that makes me feel bright, happy, safe, and calm. I want to be at peace.
I think that’s motivation enough…
Aaaannnddd, here are the before photos! It takes a lot to post this, but I’m sticking by my word, so here’s step one!
So, there it is for you. It’s all out there! Make sure you follow my Instagram & Twitter for updates throughout the week! And, sign up for my newsletter at the top of the page for all the goodies that I don’t share on the blog! You get my FREE gratitude journal download!
Have a great day, Belles!