It’s a Sunday morning, and the sun is shining, the air is warm, and I should be happy. Normally I love days like this. They usually bring me contentment and joy, but today, it feels like nothing can.
I feel exhausted, even after nine and a half hours of sleep. I don’t feel like answering the phone, explaining myself to anyone, or answering any questions about the way that I am right now. I’m shaky and a little dizzy. I’m really nauseous. My breathing is shallow and my heart is racing. Yesterday, I had a panic attack; not a severe one, but enough of one. I’m breaking out in hives on my hands, and my mind is just a blank, empty space.
You get to the point where after your thoughts are racing and just thrashing themselves around so much, that eventually everything just stops. Everything gets quiet. It gets dark, sad, and lonely. It’s like your own thoughts get tired of themselves. It’s like when a toddler throws a tantrum so hard that he just wears himself out and falls asleep on the kitchen floor.
Later this afternoon, I’ll force a smile on my face, and step out into the world, and when people ask how I’m doing today, I’ll say, “good! How are you?”
But, I am not. I am not okay.
I’ve been in this rut for two or three days now, and it’s one of those times where I just can’t. Where I need to stop and be gentle with myself. Yesterday, I listened to a lot of videos about The Law of Attraction & the importance of having positive thoughts if you want to attract positivity into your life, and right now, that is all I have; the effort.
It’s exhausting to put in the effort. My body and mind are moving slower right now, trying to force myself to process these thoughts, get out of bed, and not give up. It’s a hard thing to do when you’re just not okay; when it feels like nothing in your world is right, but it’s all you can do besides give up. Deep down, I know that’s not the route I want to take.
I took my first big step towards bringing the Law of Attraction into my life yesterday, but I’m going to leave that for a separate post. This post was just an update for those that relate to a lot of my posts, and for those who read up on mental health, or mental illness, for that matter.
I know there are so many people feeling the way that I feel right now. You feel sad, empty, alone, and worthless. You feel like you have absolutely nothing left to give yourself or anyone else. You feel like a blank space, and you just want it to stop. I know. I get it.
The reason that I share this really personal shit here is that I understand. I feel it, too, and I don’t want everyone else out there to feel so alone in that, so I’ll be one of the ones to open up about it for those that can’t.
I’m just taking it one day and one step at a time, and you should, too. Look out for my post on the Law of Attraction soon!