The Painful Truth About My Anxiety & Depression

I’m really not sure where this post is going to go, but I feel that what I’ve been dealing with over the last 20 hours is so common, yet is rarely talked about.

I have a very popular post that I wrote a while back about what to do when depression hits hard. I don’t think I ever clarified, or went any further in depth, about this particular topic, but nows the time. Those tips are meant for the kind of depression that leaves you feeling “out of it” and sad and tired; general depression. 

But I never talked about what to do when it hits so hard that none of those tips work, except to give yourself permission to check out for the day.

I promised honesty, vulnerability, and transparency on this blog because I want to relate to those around me. I want those reading this to find familiarity in my words and in that familiarity, I want them to find comfort and a sense of togetherness.

Here’s the truth: yesterday was a trigger day. I haven’t talked about one in a while, because I’ve had the power lately to (I feel) have way more control over my triggers than usual. I haven’t been suffering from attacks, and I haven’t been mentally checking out nearly as often as I used to. While I still feel the pit of depression and the heightened sense of anxiety, I’ve worked so damn hard to learn to have control.

Yesterday, I honestly felt like all of my hard work and the strides I’ve made were just tossed out the window by someone’s words and attitude. I truly allowed this person to minimalize my progress. At that moment, I was already feeling tremendous guilt for my past, my actions, and the pain and frustration my anxiety has caused to those around me. I am not oblivious to this by any means, and I am always the first to apologize for that.

But yesterday the specifics were brought into it. Things that have happened, scenarios from my past, mistakes I’ve made because of the overwhelming anxiety.

I haven’t felt that much guilt, self-loathing, or self-hate in so long. I know those are harsh words, but it was a harsh reality. The guilt was so strong that I was just consumed by this self-hate. It reached the point where I just wanted life to start over so I could live my life as a different person, so I could right all the wrongs that I’ve made, but I can’t. So instead, I laid in my bed in hysterics and a pool of hate and loathing until I finally fell asleep around 3:30 in the afternoon. I did not wake up until my alarm went off at 7 am today.

I already have so many ideas for blog posts based on this experience, hopefully, filled with wisdom and really helpful “how-to” tips and tricks to help others the best I possibly can. Those posts will be coming once I feel that I’m in a better state to write those things down, but I just felt the need to put this out today, so someone can read it and know that they are absolutely NOT alone.

If you’ve ever felt the feelings I have felt in the last day, it’s not just you. I want this blog to be as positive as possible. I promote strength, self-love, and happiness but I also want to be real, and no matter how far I’ve come with my depression and my anxiety, while more rare now, these feelings and episodes are still very real and very raw to me.

Please, please, please comment below, or use the contact page to email me with your own stories, advice, or questions about topics surrounding anxiety and depression. I would absolutely love to start a Q&A series and involve my readers more. This isn’t just about my struggles, it’s about yours too, and it’s about finding a community and a family in these struggles.

Thanks for reading 💕

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7 thoughts on “The Painful Truth About My Anxiety & Depression

    1. I hate that you’ve had to suffer, as well, but as I mentioned, it is comforting to relate to others on this level! Thank you for reading, and for the love, Amie!

  1. I just stumbled across your blog, first off I love it, but thank you for being so open about your struggles! I have battled both depression and anxiety for most of my life and I can definitely relate to those days when it feels like you just lost all of your progress. Bad days are going to happen but it is about recognizing it and taking what small steps you can to make it better. Thank you for sharing!

  2. You know I read every piece of info on anxiety and depression I can get my hands on and I feel I have to be honest it has never really helped me to date. I suffer for weeks on end with both of these illnesses and I try, try,try,try and have continued to try and overcome/beat it without success.

    My anxiety is so bad that all the muscles in my throat swell to the point where I can barely swallow, this causes all my muscles in face, throat, etc to stretch and cause what feels like a migraine. I have facial exercises to do when this happens and I have been advised by the ent doctor to have speech therapy. This is just one side of my anxiety which I have been suffering from for the last 20 years. Anxiety definately restricts my life as I am only ever really happy at home in my bedroom on my own. (With my little dog).

    My depression is equally as bad I have had lengthy sessions of CBT therapy, I am also on 300mg of anti-depressants for the last seven years. At times I do wander is the battle worth it, are the feelings of sheer and utter despair worth continually trying to fight against only to feel marginally better for a short period only to be walloped over the head a day/days later.

    1. Thank you for commenting, Westie. Mental health is something that has continued to deteriorate in so many of us for so long, and it can be so hard to keep up with and look at life from a positive point of view. The only advice I can offer you, is to continue with therapy, and continue trying all methods and find one that works a bit better than all the rest and stick with it. Remember that only YOU can change you life. It may feel impossible and like too big of a job, but you do have the power to do so. Best of luck <3

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