I’m really not sure where this post is going to go, but I feel that what I’ve been dealing with over the last 20 hours is so common, yet is rarely talked about.
I have a very popular post that I wrote a while back about what to do when depression hits hard. I don’t think I ever clarified, or went any further in depth, about this particular topic, but nows the time. Those tips are meant for the kind of depression that leaves you feeling “out of it” and sad and tired; general depression.
But I never talked about what to do when it hits so hard that none of those tips work, except to give yourself permission to check out for the day.
I promised honesty, vulnerability, and transparency on this blog because I want to relate to those around me. I want those reading this to find familiarity in my words and in that familiarity, I want them to find comfort and a sense of togetherness.
Here’s the truth: yesterday was a trigger day. I haven’t talked about one in a while, because I’ve had the power lately to (I feel) have way more control over my triggers than usual. I haven’t been suffering from attacks, and I haven’t been mentally checking out nearly as often as I used to. While I still feel the pit of depression and the heightened sense of anxiety, I’ve worked so damn hard to learn to have control.
Yesterday, I honestly felt like all of my hard work and the strides I’ve made were just tossed out the window by someone’s words and attitude. I truly allowed this person to minimalize my progress. At that moment, I was already feeling tremendous guilt for my past, my actions, and the pain and frustration my anxiety has caused to those around me. I am not oblivious to this by any means, and I am always the first to apologize for that.
But yesterday the specifics were brought into it. Things that have happened, scenarios from my past, mistakes I’ve made because of the overwhelming anxiety.
I haven’t felt that much guilt, self-loathing, or self-hate in so long. I know those are harsh words, but it was a harsh reality. The guilt was so strong that I was just consumed by this self-hate. It reached the point where I just wanted life to start over so I could live my life as a different person, so I could right all the wrongs that I’ve made, but I can’t. So instead, I laid in my bed in hysterics and a pool of hate and loathing until I finally fell asleep around 3:30 in the afternoon. I did not wake up until my alarm went off at 7 am today.
I already have so many ideas for blog posts based on this experience, hopefully, filled with wisdom and really helpful “how-to” tips and tricks to help others the best I possibly can. Those posts will be coming once I feel that I’m in a better state to write those things down, but I just felt the need to put this out today, so someone can read it and know that they are absolutely NOT alone.
If you’ve ever felt the feelings I have felt in the last day, it’s not just you. I want this blog to be as positive as possible. I promote strength, self-love, and happiness but I also want to be real, and no matter how far I’ve come with my depression and my anxiety, while more rare now, these feelings and episodes are still very real and very raw to me.
Please, please, please comment below, or use the contact page to email me with your own stories, advice, or questions about topics surrounding anxiety and depression. I would absolutely love to start a Q&A series and involve my readers more. This isn’t just about my struggles, it’s about yours too, and it’s about finding a community and a family in these struggles.
Thanks for reading 💕