Last night on New Year’s Eve, I was anxious. Considering that I suffer from an anxiety disorder and PTSD, this is no surprise. Like usual, my anxiety led to a long talk with my boyfriend, and while we were talking, some of the things he pointed out to me about my anxiety actually started to click, and suddenly, everything felt a lot more clear.
He explained how he feels like I don’t care enough about myself and I don’t do enough for myself. I’m always so focused on pleasing other people (including him) that I’ve given up on loving myself.
That felt like a slap in the face, but I knew he was right. Since last night I’ve been mulling over all of my issues recently that have caused me anxiety, especially in my relationship. I realized that they all stem from the same problem… low self-esteem, crappy self-confidence, and lack of self-love.
I’ve cared so much about pleasing others and being loved and accepted that I don’t care about loving myself anymore. It’s like I’ve expected all the people in my life to every void I should be filling in myself. In the midst of all that, I never stopped to think that if I don’t even love myself, how will I expect others to love me? If I look at myself and only see someone who is completely worthless, I won’t believe my friends when they tell me they want to get together. I won’t believe my boyfriend when he promises to be faithful to me and tells me he loves me.
If I don’t think I’m good enough to have a faithful man or worthy of committed love, then I’m going to fight it and sabotage everything without even realizing what I’m doing! I’ve realized that the true root of my anxiety lies within myself. It’s evil, and there’s no denying it, but I’ve found the source of all the pain, so I know exactly what I need to be fighting now.
Today is the start of a new year, and I’m claiming 2018 as my year of self-actualization, love, and care! I can never expect to live a happy, healthy life if I never learn to love myself and finally see my value and worth.
I don’t have a full-blown plan yet, so I’m starting small, but I’ll continue to build from here! My first step, beginning today, is to do my own Instagram challenge. I’m challenging myself to do one thing every single day that can benefit and improve my confidence and help me learn to love myself just as I am. To keep myself accountable, I’ll post a photo of my chosen activity each day on Instagram.
If you want to join, use #thebellesselflovechallenge on Instagram to share your journey!