My eyes burn and I am beyond exhausted.
My eyes burn because I cried for the good part of six or seven hours at work today. Even for someone without anxiety, today would have been absolutely awful. For someone with it, it was Hell.
Today was actually the worst day that I’ve had in a very, very long time and I don’t even mean mentally. I just mean because of outside forces. I won’t get into all the details, but just believe me when I say that it was very rough.
I’ve barely been hanging on by a thread for months now and today felt like the day that just pushed me overboard. That thread finally snapped. I managed to pull myself together for the drive home, though. I felt nauseous, weak, anxious, dizzy, zoned out, and I’d been physically shaking for most of the day, but I got home safely.
Once I sat down on my bed, I just immediately burst back into tears. I wanted to pray but just didn’t even have the energy to open my mouth to speak to God. I considered doing what I normally do when I’m feeling anxious at home, which is take a dose of Zzzquil and sleep until the next day (a habit I’m working to break because it is definitely not a healthy coping mechanism), but somehow, I got the energy to pray.
I started talking to God. I told Him that I know He has a plan and that’s why I don’t really bother asking Him for too much anymore. I know He has a purpose for my life. I did ask Him for two things though. I asked Him to please open another door for me regarding my job and help me move into another chapter of my life because I feel so incredibly stuck right now. I also asked Him to give me the strength to handle whatever He may throw my way and to walk beside me each day.
If there’s anything I need right now, it’s strength. Please, Lord, just give me strength.
I ended my prayer, sat in silence just breathing for a moment, and then I grabbed my towels and headed up the stairs to take a hot shower. As soon as I got up the stairs and stepped into the sunlight, I felt relief wash over me…
That’s something I haven’t felt in a very long time. I felt like the soul-crushing weight I’d been carrying all day was lifted. I no longer had a desire to just turn to my Zzzquil and sleep to hide away from the world. I felt more relaxed, I felt more motivated and calm. I actually felt okay.
As I sit here there’s still a part of me that’s a little nervous about how some things in my life might turn out, but that sudden relief was God’s way of telling me that I just need to trust Him. If there’s anybody I can trust, it’s Him, and He needed me to see that.
For a long time I haven’t been turning to God wholeheartedly. I’ve been praying, reading my Bible, and trying to keep my focus there, but I can admit that I’ve still been fighting it. I fight it because I’m afraid that part of God’s plan for me might not be what I want right now. It might hurt, make me sad, and be painful, but I have to remember that God always delivers and there will always be a brighter rainbow on the other side of every storm He brings me through.
There’s still a part of me that wants to fight God right now because that’s human nature, and also the nature of an anxious person. I long for control. I long to know what’s happening next and how to prepare myself, but that’s not how the world works and that’s not how God works.
I think God used today as a lesson to remind me that He has been making me go through this storm for months now to strengthen me. He’s making me stronger and teaching me to rely on Him, always.
He also taught me today that I cannot allow any other human to take away my voice or my power, and that’s something I’ve done for too long. No matter who comes in or out of my life, I am the only constant, so therefore, I need to take care of myself, and I need to hand everything else over to God and allow him to handle the rest.
I know this post was very long and pretty unexpected, but I’ve also realized that this is a place to share my individuality and to share my journey with those who suffer just like I do. I know it’s hard. I know you want to just give up. I know you sleep a lot and I know that sometimes you just wish all of it would end. I know that it’s confusing and that you don’t understand, but do me a favor and try what I did.
You never know what might come out of it.